Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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