you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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