Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
