So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
