if you like me you must not know who I am
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize