I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im six kinds of drunk right now
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
