getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
