What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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