i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
