Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
