Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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