she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize