hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize