Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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