In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I still have a little drunk in my system
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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