i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
