tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
