i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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