All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
