He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
