Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
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