this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
