It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
