Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
