Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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