you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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