I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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