I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
