I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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