Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
