His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
