At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
