My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Randomize
