I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I think I just sharted jello shots
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize