Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
