i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize