I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
