am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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