Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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