Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
