Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
