you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
