Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
