I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
