theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
