I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
