why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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