Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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