hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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