And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
