There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
So squirting runs in the family.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
