I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
