All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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