I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
