Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
