i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
