I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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