Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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