she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
