My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
