I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
