Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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