You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
