Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
